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Comic Strip of the Day

CSotD: Here’s the scoop:

Published: November 17, 2012 1 minute 4 comments

Poc121117
Normally, once I point out an interesting arc, that's it. Readers follow it if they want to, or they don't, and I move on.

But today's Pooch Cafe cracked me up, so we're gonna talk about this arc some more. Sue me. 

In case you think Paul Gilligan is just being silly, let me tell you that there is an apartment complex in town here that has one building where dogs are permitted. But I wouldn't exactly use the term "dog-friendly," because, yes, they require that you provide a DNA sample for your dog.

And they threaten that, if they find dog poop on the grounds, they will have it tested.

"It's one of the coolest things I've ever done as a property manager," said Debbie Logan, according to that article.

O Brave New World that has such landlords in it.

In the article, she also notes that reaction from dog owners has been positive. Well, sure, I guess. As I said earlier this week on the overall topic, responsible dog owners want the slob-owners to be held accountable, because they ratchet up the pressure on us.

And when that happens, you end up having to do really stupid things like providing your landlord with a DNA sample of your dog's doo-doo.

The people I knew who lived in this apartment complex were positive, all right. They were positive that the landlord was insane and they were also positive that, if they were sticking around the area any longer, they'd find a different place to live. 

My own theory was that it's stupid to pay to have somebody actually analyze the stuff. You could just announce that you'd made a match. I mean, it seems from that article that she pretty much knows whose dog is not getting picked up after. A bluff is as good as a straight flush (no pun intended).

A number of years ago, the volunteer fire department where I lived had a problem with kids changing the letters around on their sign board so that, instead of safety tips and notices of upcoming events, it would spell out naughty messages. Funny once or twice, but not so funny when it became constant.

They pretty much knew who was doing it, but proving it was another matter.

I suggested setting up a videocam in the second floor window, but they explained that, the way the sign was set up, you couldn't actually see who was standing in front of it from that window.

"Do the kids know that?"

A few nights later, an assistant fire chief appeared at the door of a teenager's family and asked to speak with Tommy and his dad. He explained that they had this ongoing problem, but the kid denied all knowledge of who was doing it.

"Well, we set up a video camera in the second floor window, and I think you do know," the ass't chief said, pulling a black VHS cassette from his coat pocket.

At which point the kid folded completely and confessed and the problem ended, which was good because whatever was actually on that cassette had nothing to do with the sign or the kid.

So my theory is that you could make money selling Q-Tips and little Zip-Loc bags to apartment managers, and your only real cost would be printing "Double-Naught DNA Services" on the bags.

Meanwhile, you already have security cameras around the complex, right? Or is dog poop the only security issue you face?

Because, if it is, then testing poop might, indeed, be the coolest thing you're ever going to do as property manager.

Speaking of living "the glamorous life."

(My other philosophically-related dog security product is an anti-burglar kit that consists of half a dozen extra-large rubber dog poops and a bingo marker filled with glycerine. You scatter the rubber poop around your lawn and then mark your windows at about waist height with smears of synthetic dog nose-drool. I'm passing up millions of dollars by not actually marketing some of these things.) 

And on a related topic:

Kibble

FreeKibble.com is on my list of daily stops. The site was set up in 2008 by an 11-year-old girl who likes dogs and got some sponsors to help out.

So every day I answer her trivia question and the sponsors donate kibble to a shelter, rescue organization or food bank. And, yes, there is a companion site for cats. And they've furnished more than 8 million meals over the four years they've been around.

Which is pretty cool, but today's trivia question brought me up short.

I don't mind that an excited dog could, in the course of jumping around, hit the crank and lower or raise the window another 2 inches, but to work the crank on purpose?

Holy guacamole.

I've owned the occasional Houdini hound, but the notion that a dog could figure out how to actually manipulate the mechanism at all is more astounding to me than how quickly he can do it. 

Never mind how many seconds. If he can open the window in the time it takes you to go into the store and buy a loaf of bread, you'd better upgrade to a car with electric windows.

And hide the spare key really, really, really well.

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Comments 4

  1. As someone who’s gone ass-over-teakettle on account of some pooch’s poo left uncollected in my own yard, I lack the sympathy at the plight of the devious dog owner who doesn’t want to touch dogshit. I can sympathize, at some level, as I don’t want to touch dogshit either; especially when I’m lying on my back, with my boot and my butt fouled, my back wrenched and in pain, and my mind stunned at the sudden change of viewpoint.
    The threat of proof is no threat at all to these irresponsible dog owners. To impose a penalty based on that proof, I would need to take them to court. I’d be spending several thousand dollars to impose a miniscule fine, a pyrrhic victory. They know this, and the confrontation is quickly resolved: “Whatcha goin’ to do about it, asshole?” or the much more succinct “Make me.”

  2. You’ve got a great deal more sympathy for these people than I do. There are two routes to avoid having to touch dog poop:
    1. Use a bag. I keep a roll in the car and always have one or two tucked in that otherwise-useless tiny pocket of my jeans. I haven’t touched the stuff since I was about 6 years old.
    2. Don’t have a dog. It’s not mandatory. But, if you do have one, take care of it, including, yes, scooping the poop.
    There are slob owners who don’t scoop just as there are slobs who throw their fast food bags out the car window, and the more populated the area you choose to live in, the more you necessarily accept the inevitability car alarms, loud drunks, litter and, yeah, stray dog poop. Not that it’s acceptable, but that it’s going to happen.
    You aren’t in control of it happening, but you should be in control of your reaction to it. If your response is to be the crazy neighbor hiding in the rosebushes and repeatedly calling the cops over every minor violation, well, that’s your choice.
    A more rational approach is to support enforcement by your vote on tax issues and by perhaps even proposing (as I did in the last posting on this story arc) more expensive licensing to pay for more enforcement.
    Meanwhile, the DNA thing is idiotic because if, as in the case of the apartment complex, you are talking about a specific group of people in a specific area, it’s not that hard to enforce without going all double-naught on everyone.
    And if (as in today’s comic) you’re talking about taking samples from an entire population, well, the reason it’s a joke is because it’s funny. 99 percent of the dog owners who will dutifully (no pun) submit samples are the ones who scoop.
    I’d love to see people get “disturbing the peace” fines every time their car alarms go off without a car thief in sight and littering fines every time they leave a McDonald’s bag on the ground.
    But I ain’t hidin’ in the rose bushes to make it happen.

  3. I’ve heard this story on “This American Life.” Is it the same complex? I was surprised that DNA testing would actually work, what with everything else in the mix, and that someone could make enough money from testing to offer the service.

  4. Could be the same one. The one in our area, which did make the wire services, is pretty isolated, so you could assume that any dog there probably lived there. To me, that’s even less cause to be so silly about it, and, oh yeah, that much more reason to have some cameras around the place.
    Why spend the money on something of such limited use when spending the money on better security would have broader value?

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