CSotD: There’s no such thing as a free iPad
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xkcd is right, of course.
And it won't make a damn bit of difference.
Back at the dawn of time, O Best Beloved, there was a man whose name I have forgotten but who was an acknowledged expert on such things, who insisted that there was actually no such thing as a computer virus, and that it was simply an excuse used by incompetent IT techs who couldn't figure out what was actually wrong and wanted to simply tear your computer down and start over.
Sort of like a mechanic who doesn't know why your car won't start, so tells you the engine is blown and, instead of fixing the problem for $200, drops in a new engine for three or four grand. And hopes that whatever was preventing your car from starting was somewhere in the engine and not, say, a dead battery or a bad starter.
Granted, he was sort of like James Randi, in that he was right to be skeptical but wrong to be such a fanatic about it.
But he was right to be skeptical, just as Randall Munroe is right to keep these two circles separate.
Point is, he said all this at a time when the web was still sorta-kinda intimate, when the laity had only just begun to step up into the sanctuary and poke around on their own, and he was among the top half-dozen people talking about this sort of thing.
Or, as we call it, shouting into the hurricane.
Because, obviously, his theory that most computer problems are pebcak errors has made no noticeable impact on the world. Or maybe it has and we should be grateful.
But here's what I've noticed:
1. A lot of the people who seem to have frequent computer problems appear also to be the people who have improved their computers.
I was recently dismayed to discover that the term "foolproof" was not, in fact, invented by Ford engineers to describe the steps they took to keep people from monkeying around under the hood back when automobiles were new and geeky.
But the fact that the etymology is apocryphal doesn't change the fact that they used to get a lot of letters requesting technical assistance that came from people who had improved the car's performance to the point where it would no longer run at all.
2. These days, however, the DIY crowd is vastly outnumbered by those who scream "virus" or claim that their computer has been "hacked" and who have — not in the least coincidentally — clicked on Facebook videos with titles like "OMG I can't believe she showed everyone her enormous tits!" and links to "I got a free iPad just for surrendering all my personal information to someone who then blew me off and posted this lying bullshit on my Facebook wall!"
Not to mention those who can't resist an intellectual challenge, like the "Do you remember this?" gambit that began with somewhat obsolete things like flour sifters and genuinely nostalgic characters like Captain Kangaroo but then dumbed it down to the level of can openers and Scooby Doo.
The newest is the "Idiot Question" that poses a puzzler your dog could probably answer, but with a note saying "It's not easy!" so that you'll be flattered to know that you're a real genius for commenting and entering their dark realm.
"Likejacking" does not necessarily lead to a virus or malware. Mostly, it's a system of identifying and exploiting gullible people (and all their Facebook friends), and, like the Nigerian widow scams, it's a case of throwing so many hooks in the water that some sucker is going to swallow one.
From that linked likejacking article:
In January, Facebook sued advertising network Adscend Media, accusing it
of sending unsolicited messages to Facebook users. A typical lure cited
in the suit: “You will be SHOCKED when you see this video. Simply
“Like” this page to see the video.” By clicking on a link, some users
may unwittingly “like” the spam, a practice security experts call
“likejacking.” At least 280,214 users were tricked into interacting with
spam. About 80 percent of Adscend’s monthly revenue of $1.2 million
comes from Facebook scams, according to the suit. Adscend denied the
allegations and settled the case this month for $100,000. The company
did not respond to e-mailed requests for comment.
The "free iPad" scams are a little more pernicious, since, before you get your free iPad (you're not going to get a free iPad), you have to take a survey or two and of course give them some information about yourself so they know what sort of person wants a free iPad (you're not going to get a free iPad) and so they know where to send your free iPad (have you figured this out yet?)
And then they spam all your Facebook friends and invite them to come get their free iPads and, yeah, you know the rest.
Or maybe not, because those Nigerian widows would have quit years ago if they couldn't occasionally get some fool to make it all worthwhile. And does it matter how many doors do you have to knock on, as long as eventually some gullible person gives you a couple of hundred bucks to spray silver paint on their roof and call it "weatherproofing"?
Okay, I guess I can't blame someone who hits a soft-porn video and then, after all their friends get spammed with an invitation purportedly from them, hollers "My computer's been hacked!"
That's just a variation on telling your folks some kid asked you to hold onto his bag of weed for him.
But never mind. It's not all about spam and theft and things-that-aren't-quite-really-viruses anyway.
As this excellent rant from Molly Rants notes, Facebook has set up the system as a commercial spamfest, and, aside from the major annoyances like Farmville updates which can be blocked, they're now making even legitimate sharing into a toxic brew, on behalf of mainstream commercial clients to whom you are being delivered.
And never mind that, either.
Her rant, and all the linked articles in this posting, and this entire posting itself, and xkcd's cartoon, are all a matter of shouting into the hurricane.
Or whispering into it.
Whatever.
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